Photo Credit: Rendy Novantino

Do your relationships feel one-sided or unfulfilling? Do you feel like you have to show up in a certain way rather than just showing up as yourself? Do you feel resentful of others and suspect that your helpfulness is being taken advantage of? If this sounds like a familiar story then chances are good that you’re a people-pleaser. People-pleasing is an overly common affliction; however, it doesn't have to be permanent. With awareness of how we get into these patterns, understanding our motivations for prioritizing others, and ultimately taking control of how our time and energy are spent, we can become the master of our own destiny once again. This blog post will explore strategies for breaking out of the cycle by helping us understand why we become "people pleasers" in the first place, what constantly giving in looks like in day-to-day life and techniques on how to take ownership of our lives.

What is People-Pleasing and Why Do We Do It

People-pleasing is a behavior often associated with individuals who go above and beyond to keep others happy and avoid disagreements but that’s not the whole story. People-pleasing is often done to keep the peace in our connections with others, but it often leaves us feeling stretched thin and exhausted. It’s the type of dealing with people that most of us feel because we don’t know any better or have been raised this way, unconsciously resulting in maintaining relationships just for survival. Being a people pleaser means you are constantly tuning into what other people need from you, sacrificing your interests as well as those of others you may be caring for - such as children, which continues the cycle of people-pleasing. It may seem like a harmless trait, but people-pleasing can have unwanted effects on our lives. It can lead to resentment, stress, and even a loss of our own identity. Despite these consequences, many of us still find ourselves constantly striving to please others. So why do we do it? There are a variety of reasons, from a desire for approval and acceptance to fear of rejection or conflict. But understanding why we engage in this behavior is an important step in breaking free from its grip and learning to prioritize our wants and needs.

Understanding the People-Pleaser

People-pleasers tend to be highly empathetic and compassionate individuals who are always ready to lend a hand. They are often more attuned to the emotions of those around them while also tending to prioritize the opinions of others over their own. These individuals may go to extreme lengths to gain approval or acceptance from others, even if it means compromising their happiness and well-being. This can also be a source of anxiety, as people-pleasers may fear rejection or conflict if they don't meet the expectations of others. People-pleasers often struggle with boundaries, feeling guilty when they say "no" to favors or requests. This can result in feeling drained or unfulfilled in their relationships and daily interactions, as well as resentment towards those they are trying to please. Additionally, this behavior often stems from an underlying need for validation and acceptance, which can further complicate relationships. By understanding the dynamics at play, we can offer empathy and support to those who struggle with people-pleasing tendencies in their journey toward self-care and empowerment.

Origins of the People Pleaser

We all know someone who goes out of their way to please others at their own expense - maybe that person is you. Many people assume that this trait is just part of their personality, but have you ever wondered where the origins of these people pleasers lie? Research has shown that childhood experiences, such as being praised for being obedient and self-sacrificial, can lead to the development of this behavior. Additionally, societal pressures and the desire to fit in can also play a role in shaping the behavior of a people pleaser. The fear of being judged or rejected can be overwhelming, leading us to look to others for signs of what to do/say rather than doing/saying what is authentic to us. From conforming to societal norms to keeping up with the expectations of family and friends, the pressure to please can be all-encompassing. While everyone may have different reasons for becoming a people-pleaser, it's important to recognize and address these patterns in order to live a more genuine and fulfilling life.

How Fear Plays a Role in People-pleasing Behavior and How We Can Break the Cycle

It's human nature to want to be liked by others. But for some, this desire to please others goes beyond being sociable and can turn into a perceived obligation. The fear of disappointing others or feeling like people are going to be upset with you is often a driving force in people-pleasing. Fear is a powerful emotion that can hold us back from achieving our true potential. It often manifests in our people-pleasing behavior, as we seek to avoid conflict and gain the acceptance of others. However, this cycle of fear can be broken. By recognizing the source of our fear, we can begin to understand and challenge the negative beliefs that hold us back. This can be done by taking the time to identify the triggers that make us want to please others. Maybe it's a fear of rejection or a desire to be liked by everyone. Whatever the reason, recognizing these triggers can help us gain control over our behavior and make decisions that are truly in our best interest. Instead of always putting others first, take the time to identify and prioritize our own needs and desires. By taking small, positive steps toward facing our fears, we can gradually build our confidence and self-esteem. Remember, you are worthy of love and respect!

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Having boundaries means you have a clear understanding of what you will and will not accept in your life. By clearly defining what we're comfortable with and communicating it to those around us, we can maintain healthier relationships and ultimately feel more in control of our lives. One strategy for setting boundaries is to start by identifying what feels uncomfortable for us. It might help to write a list of the things that we're not okay with, and then practice communicating them to others. Another technique is to focus on our feelings and needs so that when someone asks us to do something, we can respond based on what we can handle. Remember, setting boundaries is not about being selfish or unkind, it's about taking care of yourself and your well-being.

Learning to Harness the Power of Saying “No”

Have you ever found yourself agreeing to do something and then immediately obsessing about ways to get out of it? It's a common struggle amongst people pleasers, and it can lead to feeling drained, overworked, and undervalued. Saying "no" when you mean “no” shows you that you value your own time and energy. Saying “no” can be uncomfortable, but learning to harness the power of this simple word can have a profound impact on your life. Saying “no” allows you to prioritize your time and focus on what truly matters to you. It also sets boundaries, putting you in control of your own life and preventing burnout. Saying “no” in an assertive way can help you maintain well-balanced relationships that you want to be part of. By learning to say “no” confidently and tactfully, you can take charge of your life and reap the benefits of a happier, more fulfilling lifestyle.

Reminder: Your Authentic Self is Worthy of Love

Many of us struggle with the tendency to prioritize others' needs over our own, whether out of a desire to be liked or fear of conflict. This “people pleaser” mentality can be a major roadblock to personal growth and fulfillment. But with mindfulness and practice, we can learn to assert ourselves, set healthy boundaries, and cultivate a more balanced sense of self-worth. Cultivating self-compassion means treating ourselves kindly and understanding that we are not perfect. It's about acknowledging our struggles and treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a loved one. So how can we practice self-compassion? It can start with simply being aware of our thoughts and self-talk, and learning to reframe negative self-judgments. We can also give ourselves permission to make mistakes and remember that it's part of the growth process. By practicing self-compassion, we can strengthen our resilience, improve our well-being, and become more accepting of ourselves. Overcoming people-pleaser tendencies is not an overnight process, but it is a worthy one. By valuing our own needs, desires, and opinions, we open up the possibility of deeper, more authentic connections with others and a more joyful life experience. Your authentic self is worthy of love!

People-pleasing tendencies can become a vicious cycle, but it doesn't have to be that way. By identifying our triggers, understanding our fears, setting healthy boundaries, and cultivating self-compassion, we can develop better habits and break the people-pleasing cycles in our lives. It is not an easy journey, but with perseverance and by leaning on support systems it is possible to rebuild ourselves into self-fulfilled people who can put their well-being first. Remember that making decisions that will bring you happiness is shown to be an effective approach to getting closer to your source of joy that ultimately brings true peace of mind. So take a moment right now - what do YOU want? Reach for it. If you’re seeking professional help along your journey in overcoming the people pleaser in you, consider contacting Paper Cranes Counseling to connect with experienced therapists for a free consultation.

Shavonne James, LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Therapist and founder of Paper Cranes Counseling, a private group practice connecting wellness seekers with culturally-affirming, holistic, care. They have openings for individuals that are working through matters of identity, interpersonal relationships, and the inner child. Contact them at www.papercranescounseling.com